I'm battling incurable cancer - 1 letter brought home how much I miss normal life

When a drug dealer got sent down for 30 years for murder I was sitting next to his mum as she remarked how nice his new suit looked. Quite a few years later, a teenager's family breathed a sigh of relief after a jury took just 28 minutes to find her not guilty of manslaughter. I was later told they would have been quicker but some of the jurors wanted to finish their sandwiches. And sometimes, in what seem to me to be open and shut cases, juries take what seems like an eternity to return their verdicts.

Every day they make life changing decisions and as a journalist reporting on courts over the years I've seen the impact of those decisions but have never been able to get a sense of what they are really thinking. Just how much attention do they pay to a showy prosecution barrister who likes to razzle dazzle them with his version of what happened? And do they treat evidence on a Friday afternoon like double maths and just not pay attention to it at all?

So I was absolutely delighted when I got a letter from the HM Courts and Tribunals Service which said I'd been summoned for jury service. And it said that my jury service was going to take place at the Old Bailey in London in December, unless I had a legitimate reason why I could not attend.

I always thought I'd make a good juror and a few years ago I would have been fantastic. I would have listened to all the evidence, seen through the lies, and made sure that my jury's verdict was based on the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

But now, now is different. Since the summer of 2023 everything is different.

Since then the only chance I have of being able to do jury service is if the defendant has a copy of my medical appointment schedule and decides to change their plea to guilty on the second day of the trial, in time for me to get to hospital for blood tests.

It's different because that was when I was diagnosed with stage four bowel cancer and since then everything has to revolve around treatment.

Last week I was in hospital for blood tests, observations, and a medical team appointment on Monday, an MRI scan on Tuesday, chemotherapy on Wednesday, was hospital free on Thursday, before being back in on Friday for a chemotherapy pump removal and finishing the week off with a CT scan on Saturday.

Everyone in the UK would have a right to be outraged if the trial I was a juror on only happened for one day a week so I could get to hospital appointments.

With cancer it's not just the massive amount of time I have to spend in hospital every other week. It's also battling the side effects every day.

The side effects were, sadly, the biggest reason why I had to ask to be excused from jury service.

Sitting writing this I'm feeling very tired and wondering if it's best to go to bed afterwards or whether to try and tough it out until it's dark outside. It's a decision I have to make most days as the chemotherapy battles with the cancer cells inside me.

Usually it's a decision I can make freely but imagine the horror if I fell asleep on my jury bundle while an expert witness is on hour three of their evidence about how glass shatters when hit by a golf club. If I was the defendant's legal counsel I'd call for a new trial with a different jury, meaning my mistake would cost taxpayers thousands of pounds.

And that's effectively what I said in my response giving my reasons to be excused. As a juror I'd want to be focused on all the evidence at all times and as a cancer patient I don't think I'd be able to do that.

It's brought home once again the difficulties of having cancer while trying to have a normal life. It's the missed opportunities to help others instead of being fearful that you've let everyone down.

It's the walking down the street and being cold because it's winter, not because the medicine in your body makes you feel ill all the time. It's the not being able to talk about how cancer makes you feel because you're all talked out as you struggle to think how your nightmare will end.

But even when you are all talked out there should be someone there who can listen to the silence and help you through your tears. This is why I'm leading the Daily Express's Cancer Care campaign. It's vital that the Government and the NHS ensures there is mental health support for all cancer patients both during and after treatment.