Dear Coleen
I’m a 32-year-old man and my wife is 28 and we had an arranged marriage three years ago. Recently I discovered my wife is having an affair with her boss, which has been easy for her to do, as she travels abroad a lot on business trips.
I’d noticed her behaviour had changed and then I found a WhatsApp message from her boss, asking her to wear the red underwear he’d gifted her.
Naturally, I asked her about the message, and she claimed it was just harmless flirting and denied any affair.
I didn’t believe her, so I confronted her boss and, without any hesitation, he admitted they’ve been having an affair, and even showed me a few selfies in the shower and bathtub, and also one with my wife sitting on his lap naked and another of her topless.
As you’d imagine, this is all extremely distressing for me.
I told my wife about my conversation with her boss and she claimed they don’t actually have sex, he just enjoys foreplay, as if this is somehow acceptable. The worst part was hearing from her boss that he loves to strip her and make her walk around naked.
I feel helpless and would welcome your advice.
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Coleen says
This is horrible for you – your wife has not only lied to you, but her boss also seems to be gloating. He sounds like an incredibly unpleasant person, abusing his power, revelling
in your pain and enjoying humiliating you.
Before we get on to the affair, make sure that’s what it is and not that your wife is being coerced and controlled.
The combination of changes in her behaviour, his position of power, the selfies and his attitude towards both of you sets off alarm bells.
He’s taking great pleasure in this and is not remotely remorseful or sensitive to the consequences of wrecking a marriage. Could your wife feel trapped and not know how to get herself out of this situation?
I hope this isn’t the case, but you must talk to your wife and encourage her to be honest with you. If she is into this man, is she in love or is it about lust? Find out from her what the problems are in your marriage and what she intends to do – and what she expects you to do.
Whether the marriage was arranged or not, she’s broken it and hurt you. Texting can be cheating, kissing is cheating – foreplay is certainly cheating!
I understand you’ll be dealing with a lot of cultural and religious expectations around the marriage, and leaving might not be an easy thing to do.
Mediation or counselling might be a good first option. But, ultimately, it should be down to how you feel and whether you want to work it out with her. Good luck.
